Over the weekend I looked back on some of the blog entries. While I’ve said I’m not a victim, I’ve sure sounded like it at times. I think, in a way, I’ve been holding on to the pain because I was afraid that if I started to look forward, I would lose my sensitivity to it. Holding on to guilt out of guilt. Classic Chad.
It’s a wonder anyone is still reading this blog after all that sniveling.
See, there are a few who have earned the right to wear the title of “victim” throughout this experience. I am not one of them. I have been given a gift paid with an incredible price. I have air in my lungs, strength in my bones, and now – a fistful of grit.
“Grit, noun, \’grit\ firmness of mind or spirit : unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger”
In the movie, True Grit, there’s a scene where Rooster Cogburn carries young Mattie across the unforgiving prairie after she’s suffered a snake bite. Old and haggard, the old man pushes his way through the physical pain to bring Mattie to an old cabin where help can be found. Through the scene, you can see his dogged determination and relentless drive worn on his leathered face.
I watched this scene and was lost in the sheer will of this old man. In a way, it was a moment of redemption for him. He had lived dispassionately and carelessly, and now he had a chance to rewrite his tombstone.
He never looked back – only forward. I’ve been looking back while talking about looking forward. But today there’s a change happening inside me. Something is starkly different. I feel myself turning, my eyes making that transition from pain to progress, and wrestling through the guilt of moving on.
Sometimes, when I feel most guilty, I picture Ryan watching me. I can almost hear him saying, ‘Enough Chad. Get up. You can do this.” It’s time to honor him. You can argue that I already have, but I disagree. I’ve been wallowing, and that’s no life.
Yes, good has come from this blog. But there has to be more redemption to this story, and I know that this gift came at too high a price for too many for this to be it.
So if a high price has been paid, then I have to assume a high expectation is placed on my gift. You might think that’s audacious for me to say.
Eh.
I’m off to a pretty good start, but there’s much more that I need to do. I don’t know what that means. I know pieces of it, but The Thing still eludes me.
God, don’t let me miss it. You’ve brought me through much. You’ve refined a coarse soul and honed my sensitivity to what matters to you most. I know You’ll continue to shape this life of clay, but show me what now. Surely You didn’t bring me through this to simply exist. No one was created simply to subsist. Now that I’m looking forward, help me see what It is.