Hi God.
I need to start with an apology.
I’m sorry.
I didn’t realize I had put You in a box. Worse, I didn’t realize I had limited Infinite You to the confines of my finite mind. There was supposed to be a formula where I do A, B, and C and You were to respond with X, Y and Z.
Now my religion’s mugshot is in the obituary section of my wet paper theology, falling apart the tighter I cling to it.
At first I was pretty ticked at You for breaking the box. It seemed a little inconsiderate, considering Your reputation for compassion and understanding and all.
But now, I think I’m glad You’re not a conformist. It doesn’t make what happened right or okay. In fact, I’m still trying to figure out how we’re supposed to do this. But I know You have not lost Your focus on us.
Even so, Your unpredictability makes me respect You more. And You should know more than anyone how much that needed to happen.
It’s just like You to not fit into a scheme or a mindset or a denomination or even the walls of the church. I guess if I look at how Jesus lived here on earth, it follows suit.
No one knows for sure why or how You do the things You do.
I mean, You never show up on time – or at least not on anyone’s timetable. Heck, 1988 and May 21 came and went and here we still are, recalculating and reinterpreting Your hints. I know we’ll never crack the code this side of heaven. You’re a tough one to figure out, and I’m good with that.
This whole thing really is a leap of faith isn’t it? I fumble through the pockets of my soul, looking for the change within me to make sense. Ultimately I have to hurl myself over logic and reason and clear the inexplicable if I want to land at Your feet. And I do want that.
When I think about how I can look back at what was, feel the pain while doing it, and still feel hope – I literally experience vertigo. I mean I genuinely feel my stomach turn and my knees buckle while simultaneously feeling a surge of anticipation for what You have next for us.
Thanks for your patience – Your amazing grace. When I think on the irony of You putting in us this deep want to know answers to questions You know we won’t find now and won’t care about later, I have to smile with a half wince. Keep reminding me in merciful whispers the only question that really matters.
“But what about you?” Jesus asked. “Who do you say I am?” – Matthew 16:15