Well I thought I’d just start off with addressing the 300-pound Gorilla in the room. It’s the thing most people are concerned about with me. And I know why. I’m not deluded. I know my role in bringing us to this point. I was the one with liver disease. I can’t change that. And every time I look in the mirror and see the 14-inch scar, I am reminded of it.
While I’m getting physically stronger and ready to leave the hospital, I also know my challenges are just beginning. Every day I wake up I’ll have a battle in front of me.
Like everyone, I am grieving. I miss him so much. Sometimes I can’t sleep because my heart feels like it’s physically going to rupture inside my chest. And because he risked it all to help save my life, I know I have to deal with things at the very core of me that no one else will ever understand. No one.
So Chad, how can you drag yourself out from the weight of self-condemnation? How can you ever live a normal life again?
One of the surgeons here at the hospital came by my room one day and saw that I was under the weight of it all. With tears in his own eyes he stared straight at me and told me something that will stay with me forever.
“The only reason guilt exists is to internally motivate us to change our behavior once we’ve done something ethically or morally wrong of epic proportions. Rarely do we do something in a lifetime that calls for this response. It exists to be used 3% of the time in our lives. The other 97%, it is a misdirected feeling that demoralizes and crushes your soul.”
Switch gears for a second. If you knew Ryan at all or if you have learned anything about his life in recent days, you know Ryan had an incredible passion for family, faith – life. As evidenced through any newswire or social media channel, the world is still feeling the ripples of that passion.
Ryan’s entire life message is about living selflessly and positively. I mean, even his blood type was B POSITIVE. To him, time was a precious gift that he took full advantage of. So when I think about Ryan’s last words to me being “I believe in you”, I take that as a personal call.
He believes in me why? To do what? I can tell you this much. It didn’t mean I should waste time – which he treasured every minute of and sacrificed his own to give me more of – on feeling guilty. That would dishonor his very life and what he stood for.
That’s not to say I won’t have my moments. I’ve already had plenty of them. But me and that gorilla are in an all out brawl – and in the end – that oversized monkey is going down.