I’ve got two boys – Luke (8) and Jake (4), completely different, equally unique. A couple days ago, my son Luke was having a tough day. With everything that’s happened in the last month, I think it just finally caught up with him. He lost an uncle, and his dad was in the hospital for weeks. In his mind, he didn’t know when or if I’d ever come home. I’m not the guy who holds his children out of school at the first sniffle. In fact, it usually takes a good hack or two before that even becomes an option.
But that day, something in my heart broke for Luke. I told him to crawl into my bed and forget about school that day. Then he asked me to curl up with him. You just can’t turn down an offer like that.
I’ve talked about living my life differently now, pointing to some of the things in Ryan’s life that I want to model after. This is one of them. Honestly, this is an area people might say where I’m being too hard on myself, but I know I can do better – more. This area is fatherhood. Man, I love my boys. (p.s. I don’t have any girls, so I’m not being exclusive). But Ryan not only loved them, he raced home from work to be with them. He cleared his weekends to be with them – doing more in a day’s time than I do with my boys in a month sometimes.
I said my boys were different. Luke is introspective. He strives for perfectionism and is hard on himself when he falls short of that. Jake is a force. He’s all out there, every second of every day. I’ve been a ‘good’ dad, but I know I need to do more. I need to let Luke fail, and to let him know it’s ok. I need to pursue Jake.
He’s independent to the point he’ll just go tuck himself in sometimes without saying anything.
And even as I write this, there’s a pit in my stomach because I know I’ve even passed up opportunities to be with them to write for this blog. Yep, pitiful. The blog where I talk about deepening relationships and the new me.
My dad has lost a son – an unbearable pain that I can’t begin to take in. His peace and strength through this leaves me speechless. I know he loved Ryan like I love my boys like you reading this love yours if you’re blessed to have even one.
Dad’s always pursued me. He’ll have to call 5 times before a single callback from me. “Sure would love to hear from you”. I don’t want him to have to say that anymore. I know he loves me as I love my boys. And I bet it breaks his heart to leave that message once, twice, three, ....ugh I feel sick thinking about it. I need to change that now.
Romans 8:16 says we are God’s children. I am God’s son. My whole life He has pursued me. He even sacrificed His son in that pursuit – an unbearable pain that I have tried my whole life to take in. What I’m amazed at with God is how undiscerning God’s love is. I mean, He’s God. He can’t just love anyone. You have to be selective! Guess not. And thank God, because I don’t know if I’d make the cut.
So I’m asked if I’m angry with God. If my faith in Him is fading.
There’s a story I heard awhile back. It’s been awhile so it’s a little fuzzy, but I think you’ll get the point.
There’s a guy, we’ll call him Guy. Guy’s hiking out at the Grand Canyon. He comes to the edge where it drops into a bottomless darkness. Through the haze of the heat, he sees a tightrope that extends from one edge of the canyon clear to the other side.
Then he notices something unfathomable. There’s an acrobat coming across the highwire with a wheelbarrow – and within the wheelbarrow another performer rides totally at ease.
Reaching him, Guy’s amazement is unmistakable. The acrobat acts like it’s no big deal and says, “What? Think I can’t do it again?” Guy, shaken but with faith in what he’s just seen says, “Uh, actually I believe you can”.
The acrobat smiles and then says, “Good, then get in and I’ll take you across”. So back to the question of being angry or untrusting of God.
I have no problem telling people I have a deep faith. That I trust God. But would I get in the wheelbarrow? We’d all like to think we would. But will I? I say I believe God CAN get me through this pain. But do I believe He WILL?
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So, when I take in how deep His love is for me by what He sacrificed, who he sacrificed – I can get in the wheelbarrow without a second thought.
Love you Dad.