91

Just when you get your feet under you, the rug gets pulled out. You want to really walk alongside then I guess this is part of it.

Psalm 91 is a passage Ryan knew well. I used to quote it every time I’d get on a plane headed overseas. I believed it, lived by it, swore by it.

And I walked out of today’s church service because of it.
In fact I’m punching these letters into my phone as I circle the building during the service.

It’s not that I’m angry at God or the pastor or anything like that. I just don’t know what I feel or think about this scripture right now.

Please don’t comment about this if it’s anything remotely close to cliche. This situation doesn’t fit inside anything I’ve known of or heard of before, so any answer that you can think of is probably not going to cut it. Just being honest here.

If there is a more righteous guy here on earth than Ryan, well I haven’t met him. God says He protects the righteous and that the righteous won’t stub their toes and the arrows won’t pierce their armor of faith.

I don’t think God makes promises He doesn’t intend on keeping. I also know that this passage doesn’t fit my reality, just like joy comes in the morning. Maybe He meant it comes in the mourning. Either way it’s a tough one to wrestle with for a lifetime.

I don’t understand it and I know I won’t this side of heaven. My life isn’t a half hour sitcom that wraps itself in a pretty, feel-good bow at the end. It’s a dissonant cord that won’t harmonize but somehow it’s supposed to make beautiful music.

I think I wrote this entry for two reasons. Even though I know the equation doesn’t have a solution I still need to process it out. And secondly I want anyone who can identify to read this and know that, while Faith is messy and confusing and hurts like mad, it’s still in our grasp. And when you grip it even in the worst situation that can be dreamed up, then it’s the truest faith of all.

Ok, my thumb is cramped. In the words of Mr. Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that.”