I’m starting to see the real value of this blog. See, today I don’t feel like writing anything or sharing anything or remembering anything.
But I have to think there’s one or two people out there that are wondering if I fell off the edge or given up
and knowing that there’s an empty page waiting to be written on the blog holds me accountable to continue to contend for the big win.
Truth be told, I’ve been wrestling with a lot – both physically and mentally. I’ve been frustrated, and all I want is to be healthy again. Is that so much to ask? I’ve had droves of people tell me, “I cannot imagine what it’s like for you to have to go through this.” It’s a lot. And it seems like too much sometimes – more than I think I handle at first blush.
I feel myself moving through the stages of grief. I can recognize where I’m at and even what to expect next. It’s all mapped out in my college psych books. But to live it – to grapple with everything – is something completely different.
One thing that’s helped me is to look at the guys in scripture who seemed to be trucking along, doing fine, then BAM – trials....hardships....adversity – seemingly out of nowhere. How did they respond? They were human right? They bled the same blood we bleed, yet they pulled through. I looked at Daniel. Good guy thrown in lion’s den. David slipped and it cost him a son. And then I remembered Jacob, and I immediately related with this passage:
Genesis 32:
24 But Jacob stayed behind by himself, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he couldn’t get the best of Jacob as they wrestled, he deliberately threw Jacob’s hip out of joint. 26 The man said, “Let me go; it’s daybreak.” Jacob said, “I’m not letting you go ’til you bless me.” 27 The man said, “What’s your name?” He answered, “Jacob.” 28 The man said, “But no longer. Your name is no longer Jacob. From now on it’s Israel (God-Wrestler); you’ve wrestled with God and you’ve come through.”
You and I both know the man was really an angel. Somehow Jacob got the pin – but it cost him a thorn in his side – literally. That pain stayed with him so he’d never forget that wrestling match.
So I get it God. I’ve been wrestling with you. And I know I’ll come through it, but it won’t be without pain. And that pain will always be there. I’ll still be able to laugh and love – and maybe with more depth – because beneath it all is a reminder you want me to carry with me.
I will live my life as it’s meant to be. I will hold on hoping. I will find strength in pain. I will change my ways. I’ll know my name as it’s called by You.