Iʼve been partying all weekend. It was a great time – even if I was there all by myself. Yeah, an epic pity party. Looking at my predicament and daring anyone to sing a sadder song. Just today I had to go back to the hospital after I thought I had licked the physical side. Instead, I found out that I have a long haul ahead.
On my way home, I felt kicked around like an orphaned three-legged dog. How long can I push ahead? What did I do to deserve this life? What's really left of it? My faith was tattered and torn at best. But then, I think I felt a sting in my butt. Iʼm pretty sure it was Ryan kicking it. Whoʼs to say once this is all over and Iʼm healthy again, something else doesnʼt happen of equal or greater pain? How will I respond then? Do I have such a ramshackle faith that Iʼm jerked around by every new circumstance? I either need to be all in or fold.
Itʼs the continuing conflict of the ʻstill I willsʼ. And this is the crossroads where alot of people take a left turn.
Though Iʼve been beaten down, still I will trust in Him. Though I donʼt have the strength, still I will go forward in His strength. Though I donʼt feel joy, still I will laugh until I do. Nothing worth anything comes easy, and Iʼve had a posh life until recently. Itʼs been cushioned by close calls, excuses, and a focused aim at anonymity. Not so anymore. I look around at others abusing their bodies and yet there they are – healthy and unscathed. Iʼve been singled out and dragged through the thistle and thornbush until the only thing left to be done is reach up for strength. Or mercy. Or anything other than THIS.
So I have to think that thereʼs something left on this earth for me to do that is significant. Itʼs worthy of the pain. Itʼs worthy of a life. Itʼs worthy of God singling me out and allowing me to live through my worst nightmare. Habakkuk 3:17-19 Though the cherry trees don't blossom and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God. I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength.