I got out of the hospital late last night after a 4-day stint. Maybe it’s having some of the physical challenges out of my mind, or it might be that I’m finally back at home and have some time to sit outside, take a deep breath of the mountain air, and really take in the last 5 weeks of my life.
Whatever it is, today I miss Ryan to the point of tears more than usual. I don’t think it will ever be something that dulls with time – he’s not coming back. I miss his laugh and his stories, and I would give absolutely ANYTHING for one last conversation with him, to tell him all the things I want to say now.
Since I can’t do that, there’s a “next best” that seems to fill the void at some level. I put a callout to some of Ryan’s closest friends and asked them to say something about Ryan. Barry, one of Ryan’s lifelong friends, emailed me this. It won’t impact you like it did me, but it helps me to share my brother with you – to give you a glimpse of the man who started a ripple that is still rolling around the world – literally:
Chad,
I am not sure what you’re looking for so allow me to just let my thoughts flow about Ry. I love to think about him and don’t ever want to forget my memories that we shared.
Your brother was the opposite of selfish, he was “selfless”. He was the most generous and giving person anyone could desire to know. He learned that trait from your parents. If I ever needed anything Ry would always say: “Bear, borrow this or use that.”
Side note....... In all my years of friendship with Ryan I don’t ever recall him calling me Barry or Pops, it was ALWAYS, without hesitation “Bear” and I will treasure that name forever.
Funny story. I once got in a fight in the halls of Watertown High in between classes. Ryan saw this from two classrooms down and dropped his books and ran in between me and the other individual I was tussling with. Ryan proceeded to say, “You mess with Bear, you mess with me”. Pretty soon I was watching the fight that I started. I ended up receiving an in school suspension in “The box” and Ryan came to visit me as much as the supervisor allowed. I was a grade older than Ry, but he always had MY back.
A lot of people discussed this at the funeral, but it holds so true. Ryan would always say “We can do this” or “We got this, no problem”. It didn’t matter the task.
In his death, I am trying to live my life like Ryan. He never said anything bad about anyone. He genuinely cared about his friends and even strangers. He loved his wife and kids so deeply. He stayed calm with his kids no matter how angry he was inside. If he had a bad day at work no one would ever be able to tell. There was nothing that was his that someone couldn’t borrow. I am trying not to sweat the small stuff anymore. I am trying to do good deeds for strangers like Ryan did.
I am trying to live life to the fullest because his death made me realize that tomorrow may not be here for me and I don’t want to be remembered the way I was living before. He left an incredible legacy in a short 34 years.
I miss him so deeply, but I love to think about him “alive” in Heaven. I often imagine him saying....”Bear, yougottoseethisplace,it’sAMAZING!”
I am praying for you Chad. Don’t carry anything you shouldn’t be. Ryan would not want that. Ryan and I had a long talk in his boat house about you prior to him coming to CO. He loved you so much. Watching you suffer hurt him so deeply he couldn’t put it into words. Keep up the good work you are doing with this blog... You and Ryan are changing people’s lives.”
Thank you Barry.
Love you bro and miss you. Can’t wait to see what you’ve done with your place up there. Some day, I will see.