A friend who knows what it’s like to endure loss warned me last month, “This next month will be even tougher.” He wasn’t kidding. I’m trying to figure out why, but I think it has something to do with the emotional and physical trauma passing and fixing my eyes on what is now the remainder of my time on earth.
It seems overwhelming. The feelings surge up and I am overtaken with sadness and the terrible truth that I will have to wait many, many years before I can talk and laugh with Ryan again. My heart breaks once again with each new day.
My sister handed me some CD’s by Beth Jones on Heaven. I’ll never try to be as articulate as Beth, but there were some key things that hit me that in some strange way, are helping me deal with the grief. And what’s interesting is, if you take these ideas and run with them, they do far more than help you through the loss of a loved one. They actually change the path you’re walking down now.
For those of you who don’t really subscribe to the idea of Heaven, you might want to start that subscription real soon. After listening to these CD’s, what has been unfathomable to me has now become the filter that I base my reality on now. Call me a wacko – but I wouldn’t trade what I’ve come to believe for any amount of anything.
One thing I’ve been thinking, and truthfully worrying about is, “Will Ryan even know me when I get to Heaven? Have I had my last conversation with him already?” I love what Beth says – “Will we know someone when we get to Heaven? Actually, we won’t really know someone until we get to Heaven.” I love that. So as close as I was to Ryan, I’ll be even closer.
She also points out that if you really believe scripture, the bulk of our existence comes AFTER this life. This earthly life is a blip. My brother Rod sent me a passage from Romans this morning and Romans 8:18 really hit home for me:
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
Are you kidding me? So I shouldn’t even try to compare apples to apples when it comes to Heaven vs. my present sorrows? How is that even possible? But if I do believe it, how much more does it set my gaze beyond this life?
This blip, this earthly life, is merely an investment into the people we are surrounded by through our time on this planet.
Set your mind on Heavenly things. I’ve heard it, you’ve heard it. But it’s been literally force fed to me this past month out of necessity. The interesting thing is, when I do that, several things happen:
I realize how selfish I have lived so far.
If it’s about investing in others, then investing in myself should be the last thing that crosses my mind. Sadly, more times than it should, it is the first thing I think about.
I don’t get tangled up on trivial ‘stuff’.
In the light of eternity, the little things just don’t seem so big. Why muddle the mind with them?
I appreciate family and friendships deeply.
I’ll admit – I’ve been the kind of person that, if you’re here with me, I’m all there. But the minute you hop on a plane or jump in your car, it’s been out of sight, out of mind. A Heavenly mindset provokes me to look at those relationships that I value and deepen them.
Death loses its sting.
I used to fear death and dying. Not anymore. I will live this life as fully and completely as I am able. And when it’s done, I’m going to welcome the new scenery.
You might notice that my blogs have slowed down a bit. This is a good thing – not bad. I am doing the things I tout. I’m spending more time with my family. I’m spending more time with my parents and siblings. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and trying to climb out of the darkness and get my brain and heart wrapped around the new normal. It’s not easy, but my eyesight’s getting clearer every day...