I know that extended family read this blog. Coworkers too. Sometimes, I feel restrained by that because, after all, we’ve got our image to uphold, right?
Well, image has always been important to me. Sadly, way too important. These days, I look in the mirror
and see a 145 pounder with a potbelly. Vanity quickly takes its exit. Physically, it’s a challenge. Emotionally, well – you can imagine – or maybe not. Surprisingly, I’m finding that I have a deeper spiritual reserve than I thought I had. Or maybe it’s just deepening as I wade into the ocean of the unknown, step after shaky step.
I’d like to say that I would have matured like a fine wine all on my own, if life had played out like it does for most others – calculated, manageable, pseudo-normal. But I don’t think so.
Truth be told, my world has been turned upside down – and this rodeo isn’t over yet.
And I. AM. TIRED.
But mostly I’m tired of hearing myself saying that I’m tired. I’m tired of focusing on MY experience, MY pain, MY whatever. So I’m not going to do that anymore. Instead, I’m going to just think out loud on paper and let the chips fall where they may. I’ve been encouraged to write through my pain, but I don’t have to keep focusing on it.
So faith. Everyone’s got their take.
I’m sure that what I have to say next will bring furrowed brows and concerned prayers being offered up on my behalf. Nothing I’m a stranger to.
Seems to me like there are three categories of people as it relates to faith.
1. There are those that believe “If I pray, God answers it according to my desire, and my ‘faith’ is strengthened as my world remains within my control through my vending machine God.” ‘INSERT PRAYER AND WAIT FOR DESIRED SELECTION’. Color me a heretic, but I’m pretty sure that one’s been disproved.
2. Then there’s the group that has felt the heat of a refining fire but mistaken it for God’s wrath. Usually someone in this category is angry, ambivalent or just plain doesn’t believe in a sovereign God, much less a personal one. Maybe their God is themselves. Or a vibe. Or a coconut. I don’t know.
3. Then there are those that somehow come crawling out of the ashes and the bedlam – their hair smoking, their clothes smoldering and their soul blistered. These are people who have prayed heartfelt prayers to a God they’ve clung to their entire life. Regardless, things didn’t turn out like they planned – not even close. They’ve got questions, but they’re not doubting. They’re hurt but they’re not damaged. They’re not cracked, but you better believe they are broken.
They don’t turn their back on God, because in the deepest part of their humanness there is a settling that God is still the only lifeboat left on this fantasy cruise. Not set on understanding, but desperately depending on their only Real Hope.
I think that’s the basis of a real, owned faith and the true purpose of petitioning God. The result of the prayer, really, isn’t the point. The lesson learned (or missed) is how we respond – humility and stewardship when we get what we want and total reliance on our Creator when we don’t.
You can call that a copout. Makes it easy to say you have faith if random is king and anything bad can be explained away as an exercise in personal growth. I’d be lying if I said I could make sense of the context that is now my life. I read some scriptures and the rules don’t seem to apply right now. But it’s still my choice whether or not I bring my begging bowl back to the feet of God.
It says that Jesus wept. Why? He was just about to fix everything. Did he cry because he was saddened by the lack of faith in his supposed die-hards? Was he brought to tears because he saw theirs? Or did he weep because it broke his heart to watch those he loved go through so much heartache?
And if he cried then, does he cry now when he sees us wrestling with our demons in dark alleys? Does he feel the heat of our tears or taste the bitter pill we’re choking on? I’m going to trust that he does, even though I don’t understand how or why I have to go through that back alley anyway.
I’ve stopped asking ‘Why’. Put anything behind that word – doesn’t matter what it is – it’s an empty pursuit. I’ve started asking other things like;
‘WHO’ – Of the three categories of people, WHO will I choose to be?
‘WHAT’ – WHAT will define my faith...how closely life follows my blueprint? ‘WHEN’ – WHEN will I become the person I know I want to be?
‘WHERE’ – WHERE do I stop and God begins?
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for tolerating my rant. You might not agree with my take on things. I respect and appreciate that. I hope you’re at least grappling with this thing called faith.
Never quit the brawl.