Stating the obvious here – my blog entries have become fewer and far between. I don’t think that would be the case if there were something new and exciting I was either experiencing or learning along my little trek.
The thing is, it’s hard to have something new to say when I feel like I’m Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
Every day is pretty much the same – caught in a life that’s not really a life – limited physically from enjoying even the littlest things in life most take for granted. Right here I could go on about my struggles, but I promised not to do that anymore.
The other morning I sat there in a fog and watched my coffee beans get pulverized into powder. Seriously, this thought hit me; it’s the grind that gives it richness. How fine you grind it, the richer the flavor. Yeah, I know it’s out there but that’s how my mind works so deal with it. [insert endearing smile]
Anyway, that led me to look at how my perspective has morphed over the months. Looking at where I started, I’m dumbfounded as to how I got to where I’m at right now. Here’s what I mean. If you were to ask me what my feelings are toward God or how my belief system has changed through this, I wouldn’t have – couldn’t have – predicted my answer: My biggest learning is this – I’ve come to understand FEAR in a very real way.
1. I’ve learned what it means to completely shed my fear of man.
2. I can’t remember what it’s like to feel the fear of death.
3. But more than anything, I’ve come to get a pretty solid grasp on the fear of God.
We’ve got the whole ‘God’s my best friend’ bit down as a Christian culture. Father, shepherd, Lord, Protector....etc, etc roll off the tongue with incredible ease. But have you really stopped and tried to grasp what we purport God’s greatness to be? If you believe He is the Creator, do you really get what that means against the landscape of what is then His creation? Study space for a day and you will suddenly feel an uneasiness creep over you the next time you utter “Dear God”.
Isaiah 40:23-31
“23 He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. 24 No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. 25 “To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One. 26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. 27 Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God”? 28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
My trail of altars started with just a few stones. But the further I get down this path, the more stones I heap on each pile. The truth has settled deep inside me, and complete surrender is my response to that truth.
So here’s a bit of news. About a week ago I was relisted for another transplant. Due to yet another odd- defying physical phenomenon, I am faced with the cold hard truth that I may not get to keep what has been the only redeeming thing in all of this. I say that to say, I finally know what it means to absolutely, unconditionally surrender to God’s sovereignty. I don’t find myself angry – which surprises me, if I’m being honest. Instead, I’m humbled and yes, fearful, of God’s sovereign hand. Up til now, I thought I could push through the physical on my own strength. I thought I could work my mind through the mental and emotional hurdles that seem to just keep coming.
But I can’t. I’ve very literally reached the end of myself.
If you’ve ever wondered what a human being looks like who has completely yielded to weakness, conceded to not understanding, or thrown in the towel in the cage match for control – take a good look at this pulverized, espresso powder soul.
Just last night I watched a video by Louie Giglio. It directly related to everything that’s been bubbling to the surface for me. Maybe you’ve heard or seen of the cell adhesion molecule, Laminin. Essentially, it tells cells what their jobs are – the ‘glue’ of the human body – holding everything together.
You need to go ahead and Google it. The image will say it better than my thousand words ever could. But before you click away, take this scripture with you – the reference that has somehow sustained me as of late: Colossians: 1:16-17:
“16 For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”
OK, remember – Laminin not Lanolin. We’ll talk wax another time.