Today I was getting ready in the darkness of our room. I’ll be honest – I was feeling sorry for myself. The wounds that linger, both physical and emotional. The weight I struggle to put back on. And a scar that has healed, but will never heal.
I was feeling beat down, the scourge of the earth.
At that moment, the sun cleared the neighbor’s rooftop and peeked through the pines – hitting me square in the eyes through the only window in the room. At once I knew that was a message directly for me from a world so far away, and a heartbeat away.
I wasn’t cursed. Yes, I had been singled out in the classroom – by the Great Teacher – but not to be ridiculed or tormented. To be a reflection of His love and kindness to a world that’s largely forgotten how to reach beyond itself. I should know. Up until recently, I set the example.
But I realized, in that simple moment, how thankful I was. “How could you be thankful after everything you’ve been through?” you might ask, and rightfully so.
But I am.
I am thankful for the ability to stand on my own.
I am thankful for wounds that heal, in the physical and the spiritual.
I am thankful for the sound of little feet across a wood floor early in the mornings.
I am thankful for family, who has loved and held me up when I couldn’t take another step.
I am thankful for a brother who reminds the rest of us to love each other like it’s our last day together, because someday it will be, at least here on earth.
I am thankful this is not goodbye, that I have an eternity to catch up with him. I am thankful for friends who encourage me, even some who I’ve never met.
It is our first holiday season without him. But really, we’re not without him. The empty chair, the stocking with his name on it – these could be sad reminders of times more innocent, but we choose something different.
When I have moments like this morning before the sun breaks through, I have to remember to be thankful. This is not a trite holiday reminder. It’s a way of thinking that can move you from a place of self doubt and misery to a place of incredible gratitude and appreciation for the moments we have left here, this side of Heaven – to see the world outside of ourselves.